Starbucks to take over the world

Government officials recently discovered a plot developed by Starbucks to take control of the world, one cappuccino at a time. Many worry this situation could escalate far beyond the McDonald's franchise scare back in the 80's and 90's, and could cause the country to go into mocha-latte alert.

"Every street corner is slowly being consumed by a Starbucks establishment. They're even popping up in places like Utah, where only 3 percent of the population even drinks coffee," said an anonymous secret agent. "Our studies prove there are more Starbucks in the world than people in Australia and they use a secret lingo that causes confusion to outsiders. Once people are sucked in, though, it becomes a fluent language for them."

An ongoing confidential study exposed three lethal drugs placed inside of the beverages: grandetoxins, frappaventis, and espressocinos. The combination of the these chemicals causes dangerous reactions; such as, wearing Birkenstocks in February, carrying Prada manbags, buying ten different colors of Ralph Lauren polo shirts, driving BMWs, desiring to spend astronomical amounts for coffee and speaking Starbucklish, forgetting the subject-verb-object structure of the English language.

"My 19 year old daughter, who's been recently infected, can't even communicate with her mother or myself anymore - she's forgotten how!" said Tom Larry, a Chicago citizen. "The other day I asked her how her day was and she said 'Venti-nonfat-mocha-with no froth.' What does that even mean?"

Loretta Moon, a Starbucks consumer currently living in a halfway house, said she didn't even like the coffee. It upset her acid reflux disease. But she walked in every day and "mechanically ordered" a Nonfat Grande Cinnamon Dolce Latte with Sugar Free Syrup and just a dab of whipped cream. She admitted to being putty in the master scheme of things.

Current reports prove over the last five years the Starbucks corporation successfully seized control of Paris and Tokyo, as well as New York's Upper East Side of Manhattan, Hollywood California, and Chicago's Northshore, where undercover investigations witnessed a couple who tried to sell their ten -year-old twin boys for Starbucks cappuccinos when they did not have any money on them.

No city in the world is safe from the corporation, though efforts in the Detroit and Washington D.C. areas appear to have weakened and almost abandoned as a lost cause. Strategies to prevent further takeovers and to help those already affected are currently under investigation.

Names of individuals have been changed to protect them from harm.

This article was written in fun for a Grad school assignment in Satire and Humor.